So, you’ve made it this far and you haven’t seen your team’s name yet on the Season Preview. Congrats! We’re past the worst of it. Though, is there anything more boring than watching the same lousy team peter out to another .500 season year after year? Maybe the purgatory of being stuck in an endless loop of consistently finishing only a couple games out of the playoffs is even worse than knowing that your team won’t make the playoffs. Maybe consistent mediocrity is enough to make a fan go insane… Maybe, there is nothing worse than being stuck in the NFL’s version of purgatory, being not quite good enough to actually win anything...
Miami Dolphins (Last Season: 10-6)
2017 Prediction: 6-10
Tannehill defines mediocrity. Tannehill’s career NFL record is 37-40 (.480). During his 5 year NFL tenure, Tannehill has never won more than 8 games in a season. With Tanehille behind Center, mediocrity is assured. However, before the season even started, Tannehill tore his ACL, leaving the Dolphins in a panic. So, what do you do when your perpetually mediocre quarterback goes on season ending injured reserve? You sign an EVEN MORE mediocre quarterback out of retirement to replace him. *Enter Jay Cutler stage left* Jay Cutler’s overall career record is a hilarious 68-71 (.489). The exact same 3 games under .500 that Tannehill’s NFL career record currently stands at! You can’t make this stuff up. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, mediocrity might be too high a bar for this woeful team, as I only predict them to win 6 games. The only positive thing that I can say about the 2017 season outlook is that the Bills and Jets have pretty much already given up, so Miami is basically guaranteed at least a few divisional victories. Also, Brady has to retire sometime, right? Man, the AFC East is pathetic. Just hand the division over to the Patriots already.
Washington Redskins (Last Season: 8-7-1)
2017 Prediction: 6-10
The Redskins are trapped. Washington have blocked Kirk Cousins’ ability to test the free agency market for two straight seasons now, through the use of a franchise tag. Now, I won’t get into all the details (especially because I don’t understand it 100% myself), but the bottom line is that the Redskins are being forced to pay top dollar so that they won’t have to win a bidding war against QB desperate teams like the Niners and Browns for the services of Kirk Cousins. After tagging Cousins this season for a ridiculous $24 million, the Redskins will be forced to apply a $29 million “Transition Tag” to keep him off the market again next year. That’s a lot of money for a slightly above average quarterback! Now, the quarterback does not define an entire team, but I will say that if management is bundling situations like this, I can only assume that they are making similar cap room optimization mistakes elsewhere throughout their roster. As far as the rest of their team goes, the receivers are ok. Their defense has Josh Norman, but is otherwise pretty meh. And the NFC East is just good enough that this team is just out of reach of the playoffs. I see nothing but mediocrity ahead of them, so don’t expect to see the Redskins in the playoffs anytime soon.
New Orleans Saints (Last Season: 7-9)
2017 Prediction: 8-8
The Saints are one of a number of teams that are stuck with what I call, “Old Quarterback Syndrome.” Often incurable, this disease plagues the decent teams that are trapped with an above average, but aging quarterback. Brees is still good enough to be a starter, but can New Orleans really muster another Super Bowl, or even playoff season with Brees at quarterback? Seems like a tall order for a guy well past his prime. The worst symptoms of the disease are that you can’t just cut the guy because he is still the best available option, and burning bridges like that is not a good decision with regards to team morale. So, you are just kinda stuck with the guy until he chooses to retire or breaks a leg. Old Quarterback Syndrome goes hand-in-hand with mediocrity. Couple this unfortunate disease with a tough division, and recovery can be tough. The Saints certainly have the chance to be competitive this season, as their offense is good enough to keep them in any game. However, the defense continues to be an insurmountable issue for New Orleans. My recommendation would be to set up some sort of rewards system that motivates the defense to play better and/or try to injure the other teams best player. Oh, wait, they already tried that? Nevermind then. This defense is screwed. Maybe they will catch a few breaks this season, but I can’t imagine them getting to the playoffs, especially considering the talent level of what I consider to be a very strong NFC South division.
Baltimore Ravens (Last Season: 8-8)
2017 Prediction: 9-7
So… like… what’s the deal with Flacco? I mean, I love hating on him for being not that great, but have you seen Ryan Mallet in the preseason? The Ravens are screwed if Flacco is not healthy by Week 1, which says more about Mallett than it does about Flacco. Anyways, maybe “mediocre” is a little harsh for the Ravens. In a consistently tough division, Baltimore has made the playoffs 6 of the last 9 seasons, one of which included an improbable run to a Super Bowl Championship. However, it has been awhile since they have seemed like that elite talent, having not eclipsed 10 wins since 2011. So, I am sticking with the title of “mediocre” for Baltimore. Flacco is fine. Maclin and Wallace are both fast receivers that used to be better. The running back situation is a confusing mess. I guess Woodhead is their best running back? On the other side of the ball, the defense should be able to hold their own. The defensive backs of Smith, Weddle, and Carr is quite formidable, and the linebackers, anchored by Terell Suggs, should be solid. Like I said, the “mediocre” tag may seem a bit harsh, but I don’t care. I’m leaving them here. Maybe they’ll make the playoffs. Maybe they won’t. This team is OK.
New York Giants (Last Season: 11-5)
2017 Prediction: 10-6
Look, I get it. The Giants have had recent success, mainly in the form of two Super Bowl Championships in the past 10 years. But really, this team is the most mediocre of them all. Only the Giants could have an equal likelihood of finishing with 6 wins as they do of making the playoffs every single year. It seems like this team goes on either a five game winning or losing streak every season. Eli is the dumbest looking NFL player in the league, and he makes the most erratic passes to back up his dumb looks. Eli is a lesser Brett Favre. Just a guy that likes to make ridiculously stupid throws, while still somehow winning a Super Bowl or two. Eli is awful. I don’t care if you have a different opinion. Your opinion is wrong. My opinion is right. After he won his second Super Bowl, dumb NFL analysts started debating which the better Manning was. Uhhh…. One is the greatest quarterback of all time, and the other should be given a coloring book. Anyways, the Giants will be fine again. They might even win the division. OBJ is fun as hell to watch, and the defense is still good enough to keep their team in games… until Eli blows it in the fourth quarter with a stupid as hell interception. Enjoy your first round playoff exit, Giants fans… unless you win a Super Bowl. Somehow that happens in New York every once in awhile.
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